“You’re grounded!”
“Go to your room!”
“No electronics for a week!”
Parenting is hard work. When our children break the rules or make poor choices, it can be difficult to know the right way to discipline, so parents often resort to punishments like time-out, grounding, and taking away privileges. The problem is that research shows these punishments don’t work – at least, not like we want them to. We may temporarily gain the upper hand and appear to be in control. The best that punishment has to offer is making our kids “come into line” in order to avoid pain, shame, isolation, or unpleasantness, or in order to regain our love and affection. The true lesson, however, is lost. Punishment puts the focus, in their minds, on how unfairly they were treated and the resentment they feel – not on remorse or plans for better behavior. So, they appear obedient for the time-being, but underneath the surface is a hardened heart and a whole host of negative emotions which will eventually drive more bad behavior.
The real lessons we want to teach our children are how to control their own behavior, make wiser choices, think of others, and take responsibility for their actions. These lessons aren’t learned by sitting in a room or losing their iPhone. They are learned through a heart-to-heart connection with a trusted parent in conversations, modeling, problem-solving, and repair. And yet, so many parents are resistant to skipping the punishment and moving directly into connecting and problem-solving because they feel that they’re not truly disciplining if they don’t impose some kind of punishment in the moment. True discipline, though, is teaching, and children learn best when they feel heard, understood, and connected.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that we offer a hug, pat them on the back, and send them on their way when they do something wrong. I believe accountability is important. In fact, positive discipline is very involved parenting. It requires a lot thought, self-control, investigation, time, and energy to come up with a solution that really helps your child be and do better. Punishing is easy, but teaching and finding solutions take work! However, it’s rewarding work because you end up helping your child heal emotional wounds, learn to work through emotions and problems, repair relationships and take responsibility, and you get to keep a positive, trusting relationship with her. None of that happens when you simply say, “You’re grounded.”
Three Things to Do Instead of Grounding
1. Check yourself. A lot of times, parents react quickly to misbehavior out of anger or frustration, and the choices we make in those heated moments are rarely the best choices. To effectively discipline, we must have access to our rational brains, and science says we don’t have that access when we are triggered and angry. We need to wait until we are calm and level-headed to approach the problem, so tell your child you need to calm down if you have to, but wait until you’re no longer angry before you make a decision.
2. Empathize with your child. This is the step that is confusing to many parents. We have been led to believe that we must harden to be effective disciplinarians, but my challenge to you is to actually soften. Why? Because it helps your child to soften, too. Empathizing allows your child to feel safe enough to open up to you and to take in your instruction, and because he’s not on the defensive against your punishments, it allows him to truly reflect on his behavior and get to the root of the problem. This is so much more effective than butting heads.
3. Have a meaningful conversation to find a solution. “How can you fix this?” “What could you have done instead?” “What will you do next time?” “What do you need right now?” “What brought on those emotions?” Remember, this only works well if the child is feeling safe and has a softened heart. That’s why the first two steps are critical to do first. If this is an emotionally charged conversation, she is likely to shut down.
Ask, what it is that she needs? Is she floundering in school? What does she need? Is she being disrespectful at home? What’s the reason? What is she feeling? Is she fighting with her sister? What’s going on? The goal is to find the reason behind the behavior and to address it at its root. If she’s stressed with school work, perhaps a tutor, a chat with the teacher, or a lighter load of extracurricular activities may be the solution. If she’s being disrespectful to parents, it’s likely a feeling of disconnection and quality time is the solution. If she’s fighting with her sister, perhaps you need to teach boundaries and conflict resolution skills.
The point is that there is always a driving force behind the behavior. “You’re grounded” does nothing to find out that cause or to heal it, and it doesn’t teach better skills or self-management. If we want our children to do better, we have to heal their hurts and empower them with better tools and skills. Losing an iPhone or sitting alone in a room can’t possibly be as effective as that.