Perhaps more than any other emotion, guilt has earned a bad rap. Its stigma is through association though. In the context of Freud and other religious hang-ups, guilt is synonymous with shame. But there is a healthy kind of guilt, research shows, that promotes introspection and social cooperation, which is very different from shaming someone.
While you don’t want your child to feel bad about who she is, which is shaming, nor do you want her to feel responsible for things outside her control, which can induce anxiety, reflecting on what he or she has done wrong and how your child’s actions have affected another person will help a child learn from his errors and motivate him to rectify the situation.
Unlike the more primal emotions like sadness, fear, and anger, guilt emerges a little later in life, as a child begins to grasp social and moral norms. Children aren’t born knowing how to say “I’m sorry,” researchers at the University of Virginia found. Rather they learn over time that saying “I’m sorry,” appeases parents, peers and even their own consciences.
Of course, a child’s age and disposition need to be taken into account. Some kids are more guilt prone than others and may require a gentler touch. The point in encouraging kids to reflect on the consequences of their actions is to encourage self-motivated goodness. Here’s how.
1. Connect the dots between cause and effect. Proper guilting connects the dots between your child’s actions and his consequences. It’s important to focus on the action and ways to repair the damage incurred without making him feel bad about who he is. “Look, your friend is crying because you took his toy,” you might say. “Can you give it back to him?” More likely than not, you may already be guilting your child the right way. But covering up a child’s wrong without giving him the proper chance to reflect on what he has done will lessen his motivation in the future to avoid improper behavior.
2. Express disapproval in a warm and loving way. A parent who seems to reject not only the behavior but the child can induce anxiety in that child. This will do nothing to encourage healthy behavior. You want your child to remember the lesson and ways to repair the problem, not how horrible he feels about himself. So it’s also important not to chastise your child in front of other people. Pull him aside or be discreet if possible so he isn’t distracted about feeling embarrassed.
3. Make the repair part a discussion. Forcing behavior without taking the time to properly explain why his behavior was wrong may prevent your child from reflecting on the lesson you’re trying to teach him. One way to get him to internalize what’s happened is through discussion, but only once everyone’s had a chance to calm down. Talking in the heat of the moment is never a good idea. And some space before discussing a wrong may also work in helping kids gain better perspective on why they should avoid damaging behavior in the future.