I’m a giver. A lover. A nurturer. But somewhere in my 32 years of constantly giving at any cost, I became a people-pleaser. A really devoted “yes” person, at, literally any cost. And I had to end it.
It’s not that I don’t love being known as a kind, generous person. That’s a great reputation to have. But when your love of pleasing others trumps your love of pleasing yourself, that’s where things get hairy.
Almost two years ago, I gave birth to a daughter. Not long into her toddlerhood did I realize just how different she was than me as a young girl. Her character strong, her personality commanding, and her independence something of awe. I was more of the unsure, needy type. Boy, am I glad she is not that.
One thing has become clear to me: this girl of mine will be much stronger than I ever was. This girl of mine will learn to stand on her own two feet much earlier that I ever could. And wouldn’t it be great if this girl had bit of healthy selfishness running through her teeny veins, a quality I was never quite able to master.
I don’t want my daughter to be mean-spirited or anything other than the loving, happy person she is now. I would expect that just like me, she’ll be generous and doting.
But if there’s one thing I won’t allow her to be, it’s a chronic people-pleaser.
Sharing is important, but a little selfishness in our children is a good thing. I have one reason and one reason only why I will always empower the decisions my daughter makes for herself, even if they don’t go along with what makes others happy:
I want my daughter to proudly say ‘no’ when she feels the need to, without an apology attached.
If this makes her selfish, then I’ll be proud I raised someone who learned to stand up for her own needs.
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve said yes when I felt no. How many times I went against my own wishes in order to keep those around me happy. But now, in the interest of spreading a little selfishness around, I am using my daughter as an example, and I am learning to say no when it serves me.
And we’ll both be better off for this.