My son recently started middle school. In the days leading up to and the several weeks since, he has been fraught with anxiety. He’s a worrier and a perfectionist, and I’m trying to teach him that he’s perfect just the way he is, even when he’s worrying.
Watching kids wrestle a big monster like anxiety is hard. We tend to think of childhood as that magical stretch of time when you are carefree and untouched by worry, but small children face big problems every single day. Especially in our fast-tracked and over-scheduled world, childhood isn’t the time we are free from stress but rather it’s when we first learn to manage it. Here are some tips for helping your child get a handle on their anxieties.
Don’t minimize the fears. Relate to them.
No parent wants to see their child struggle with worry, stress, or anxiety. Often, in our efforts to make our children feel better, we resort to phrases like:
“There’s nothing to worry about.”
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
“It’ll be fine. Just stop worrying about it.”
Unfortunately, these statements rarely alleviate the anxiety. Telling a child not to worry won’t prevent them from doing it, and while it may feel like we are encouraging them, these phrases really feel invalidating and discouraging. Think of a time when you were really worried or anxious and confided so in a friend. If you had been told you were making a big deal out of nothing, would that have made you feel better? I know it wouldn’t help me. Rather than downplaying your child’s emotions, just listen. Tell them about a time when you felt anxious or scared. Let them know that they are experiencing a normal human emotion and that it is uncomfortable but there are ways to cope. One of the lies anxiety tells us is that we are wrong or abnormal for feeling it, and this can make children feel even worse. They may feel ashamed for having worries they can’t control and feel like there is something wrong with them. Letting kids know that we hear and understand their feelings is so helpful in supporting them through these tough emotions.
Be proactive about coping skills.
Worries come in all sizes, and there are lots of good techniques that children can be taught for handling their worries. There are several books on the market specifically written for children to help with anxiety. I’m currently working through What To Do When You Worry Too Much by Dawn Huebner with my child. Your child may benefit from a book, journal, breathing technique, meditation, aromatherapy, exercise, talk therapy, or one of the many other options out there. The key is to tackle the anxiety head-on and not let it be a taboo subject that is ignored as ignoring true anxiety doesn’t make it go away. Kids need sensible solutions for managing their stress and worry levels, so work with your child to find the solution that’s right for them. If the worries get too big and the anxiety starts to have an impact on daily living, seek the help of a professional counselor.
Don’t Avoid Triggers Altogether
My first thought when my son started having anxiety before middle school was to go back to homeschooling. As a mom, I want to erase the difficulties from his life and make sure that he never has to deal with a bad situation, but I know that’s a fantasy. Life is sometimes hard, and the best thing I can do for him right now is to help him learn to cope with the difficulties he is dealt. I know in the long-run that will bring him more happiness than avoiding all stressors now.
Rather than avoiding everything that makes your child anxious, take baby steps toward overcoming it and celebrate each success. Homework has been a huge stressor as my boy gets easily overwhelmed. As much as I wish I could change the homework policy, I do believe pushing through it is helping him develop grit and resilience for the next big thing. So, we take homework in chunks. Renee Jain, creator of GoZen.com’s anxiety relief programs for kids recommends a method called laddering which is gradual exposure to reach mini-goals in order to get closer to the bigger goal. She advises using each step until the exposure becomes too easy and then moving to the next rung on the ladder.