That tiny baby you held in your arms just yesterday is suddenly walking, talking, and full of attitude. She’s got spunk! He’s got style! They’ve got you wrapped around their little fingers, and those fingers are on your buttons. Toddlers are a whirlwind of fun, mess, challenge, and lots of love. This stage is definitely a transition period as they’re learning more about being separate from mom and dad and figuring out their place in the world and we are learning how to parent through a whole new phase! Following these three bits of advice helped me enjoy the toddler years more, and I hope they’ll do the same for you.
1. Change your perception about toddlers. Having a toddler comes with lots of dire warnings about how they’ll be “terrible” when they’re two and “thunderous” when they’re three. You’ll likely hear that you need to “put your foot down” and “show them who’s boss.” You’ll be warned that they will “try to manipulate you” and maybe “take over the house.” It’s strange, when you think about it, how we view babies as so innocent, such blessings, and then less than 24 months later, they morph into devious tyrants. These toxic cultural messages are poisoning our brains! They cause us to see our toddlers in a negative light, and because we are looking for them to be manipulative or terrible, that’s often what we come to see. We end up viewing them not so much as blessings anymore as mischief to be managed. Of course, seeing them in this way causes us to treat them differently. We might feel disrespected when the child means no disrespect or manipulated when she’s simply trying to get needs met in the only way her young brain knows how.
Choosing to reject these negative messages and see toddlers in a more positive light automatically helps us enjoy them more and respond to them better. It serves to strengthen our bond rather than strain it. Remember, your perception shapes your reality. Choose a positive one.
2. Learn the basics of your toddler’s brain. This will actually help you with #1 as well. I’ve written on this before in a post titled 5 Things Your Toddler Needs You to Know. Read the full article when you have time, but here’s the summary. Your toddler’s brain is a toddler, too! Yes, it still has a LOT of growing to do, and the front of the brain which is responsible for impulse control, logical thinking (which is what is supposed to happen in the time out chair) and forming strategies and planning (like manipulation) hasn’t even developed yet! Second, toddlers and needy not naughty. Remember, they’ve still only been around on this plant a few short months! They have so much learning and growing to do, and they’ll get it! They will. Believe in them! See their light. Guide them gently. Third, toddlers come to believe about themselves whatever it is that you believe about them. If he’s constantly hearing that he’s naughty, that’s going to creep into his self-concept making him….guess….act naughty. We always try to live up (or down) to what our core beliefs about ourselves are. Give him positive messages to live up to. Number four, stay connected. Keep building that relationship because you’re going to need it to be strong in the coming years! Lastly, remember that no one is perfect. Your toddler doesn’t need you to be perfect. She just needs your unwavering love and gentle guidance. On the tough days, remember “this too shall pass.”
3. Be patient. Honestly, most of the things that drive you bonkers during the toddler years don’t need to be “disciplined away.” Your toddler will eventually learn to use the toilet, tame his temper, quit whining, sleep well, communicate better, and learn to share. She will learn this both through natural growth (as her brain grows and matures, she’ll gain more control) and your positive guidance and example. I know in the midst of a challenging day of parenting, that one more cup of spilled milk or plate thrown on the floor can feel like a big deal, but the more you practice peace amidst the chaos, the more you will enjoy these precious, fleeting years.