Positive Discipline is an approach that teaches rather than punishes. There are many positive discipline educators, but today I’d like to highlight the work of Dr. Jane Nelsen, founder of the Positive Discipline program and author or co-author of the Positive Discipline Series. She is a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in South Jordan, UT and San Diego, CA. Dr. Nelsen has created the Positive Discipline Tool Cards which are a wonderful resource for parents to utilize. I’m pulling out 3 of the 52 cards to discuss. These three tools will help you get started with the Positive Discipline approach or, for seasoned positive parents, will give you a nice refresher.
1. Routine charts. Routines help children develop self-discipline along with providing a sense of security. Kids like to know what’s coming next, and a visual routine chart is very helpful for many children. It helps them know what’s expected, stay focused, and accomplish their goals. This builds confidence and capability! Dr. Nelsen recommends creating the chart together with your child. What tasks need to be done? Does your child struggle the most in the morning, during homework, or at bedtime? Take photos of your child doing each task, or have your child draw each task or cut out printed photos. Arrange them in the correct order. For example, your morning chart might show the following photos: Eating breakfast, brushing teeth, getting dressed, getting backpack, putting on shoes, and hugs. Let the routine chart be the boss. Keep pointing your child to it until it becomes, well, routine!
As a side note, Dr. Nelsen does not recommend rewarding children for completing their charts. The feeling they get from a job well done is reward enough.
2. Decide what you will do. We can’t ever truly control our child’s behavior. We can influence it, but anyone who has cared for children know you cannot control them. The only person you can control is yourself, and that’s exactly what makes this tool so powerful. For example, you cannot force a child to do his chores but you can decide that you will not drive him to practice until his chores are done. You cannot control how your child reacts to “no” but you can control how you will react to a tantrum. You cannot make her do her homework in a timely manner, but you can let her take the heat from the teacher for assignments not turned in.
The key is to decide what you will do in advance and make sure your child is notified, then follow through with the cornerstones of Positive Discipline, kindness and firmness. This means when the chores don’t get done and your kid misses that event, you aren’t having a yelling match over it nor are you giving in and driving him anyway. You might say, “Bummer. I wish you would have gotten your chores done on time. You know the rule. Hey, since you’re missing practice today, let’s bake those cookies we bought.” Why kindness when your kid clearly broke a rule? Because kindness keeps the relationship intact and their hearts softened toward you. Yes, he will be temporarily mad that he didn’t get to go to practice, but this will pass. Yelling and hurtful words leave a longer lasting hurt.
3. Limited choices. Giving children choices gives them just a bit of power over their daily lives. This is important practice because they gain more and more of that power as they grow! When children feel they have a little control over their lives, you’ll see some power struggles start to dissipate. Some examples are “would you like your raincoat or your umbrella? You decide!” and “It’s time for bed. Would you rather stomp like an elephant or crawl like a panther to your room?” If your child says, “I don’t want to go to bed,” you might respond with, “That’s not a choice. Would you rather stomp like an elephant or crawl like a panther?” Still not getting cooperation? Look at number 1: What will you do? “If you don’t go to bed on time, I won’t read you a story. I want us to read together. What do you choose?”