I read a beautiful article today by Krista O’Reilly called How to Get Comfortable with the Discomfort of Parenting. In it, she discussed how her late mother loved her “as is” and what a gift that was to her. She said, “My mom saw me for the fullness of who I was and liked me. She didn’t try to change me or mold me into her image. She listened well and delighted in me.”

I am reminded of the words of Dr. Thomas Gordon. “Acceptance is like the fertile soil that permits a tiny seed to develop into the lovely flower it is capable of becoming. The soil only enables the seed to become the flower. It releases the capacity of the seed to grow, but the capacity is entirely within the seed. As with the seed, a child contains entirely within his organism the capacity to develop. Acceptance is like the soil - it merely enables the child to actualize his potential.”

These two quotes highlight an essential ingredient to raising emotionally healthy children – acceptance. And not just acceptance, but delight. It’s not only accepting what you see but liking it. Yet much of our parenting language is the language of unacceptance, as Dr. Thomas Gordon points out in this article. In our efforts to grow good children, parents sometimes resort to pointing out what needs changed or “fixed” in the child. We point out the parts we find unacceptable.

With the best of intentions, we criticize, judge, and correct until the spirit that came to us vibrant and whole is withered or broken.

We may shape and squeeze and struggle, trying desperately to make them fit into a box never meant for them so they can, in our opinion, do better in life, as though we are the judge of that. In doing so, we may inadvertently squeeze out the very best parts of our children – the parts that made them unique, creative, free, and fierce. The parts that made them happy.

While we may end up with a child we deem acceptable and approve of at last, the price a child’s emotional well-being is too high to pay.

A sense of belonging, of being known and liked and accepted, has been found to guard against mental health problems and improve children’s ability to learn. This doesn’t just matter in the school environment but perhaps even more importantly at home, where connection is the parenting key, and children who feel wholly loved, accepted, and connected behave better and grow up happier.

It’s good practice to ask yourself, before you correct your child, if what you are about to correct is for their benefit or yours. Is it a behavior or trait you personally find annoying, or is it causing the child a significant problem? Sometimes what we fight so hard to correct will either be self-corrected with age and maturity or isn’t a true problem behavior in the first place but rather an annoyance to our day. Sometimes it is necessary to simply accept that your child is who he is, and the best thing for him isn’t another admonition but to show him love and acceptance right here and now.

The second good practice is to use a language of acceptance, even as you correct and guide. This means placing a focus on the problem with the behavior, not with the person, and very importantly, showing faith in your child’s ability to do well. The message is “this behavior isn’t acceptable, but you are learning, I believe in you, and I’m here for you.” This is in stark contrast to “this behavior is unacceptable and I am so disappointed in you.” A large part of parenting is about trusting - trusting your child, trusting nature, and trusting the process of development.

We all have a strong, innate desire to feel known and loved and to feel like we are enough. So many people grow into adulthood still searching, still longing to be accepted because acceptance wasn’t given in childhood. If there is one gift you can give a child that will bring a lifetime of benefits, it’s the gift of acceptance. Delight in them. From your unwavering “as is” love, your child can feel totally at rest, and from that rest, grow into who he or she was meant to be.