In his book The Explosive Child, Dr. Ross Green describes two particular types of children – explosive and implosive. Explosive children blow up easily. They are intolerant of frustration and transitions and quickly become aggressive and/or defiant.
Implosive children are the opposite of explosive. Rather than act out their feelings with defiant, poor behavior, they become anxious, withdrawn, sad, or fearful. They are often very hard on themselves, setting standards that are too high and being very self-critical. These children are often perfectionists and don’t handle failure well. Unfortunately, they often are easy targets for bullying and rejection.
In Emotion Coaching by The Gottman Institute, four principles are given to use with implosive children. (Explosive children are also addressed in this program, and the principles are similar for both.)
Here are the four principles as outlined in Emotion Coaching: The Heart of Parenting:
1. Ask “what” questions, not “why” questions.
Why questions typically cause people to become defensive because we receive them as criticism. This usually either shuts down communication or escalates it into a very negative place. Asking “why are you such a worry wart?” or “why can’t you just be more positive?” makes children feel more like there is something wrong with them than with their behavior.
Instead, ask questions like “What do you need right now?” or “What is your worst case scenario and how would that play out?” This will give your child an opportunity to voice fears.
2. Small successes are okay.
We often have high expectations for quick change, but small steps is progress worth celebrating, too. Remember, implosive kids are more prone to expect perfection from themselves and be very self-critical when they fall short. They don’t need parents coming down hard on them because they are already hard on themselves. These kids need to hear and understand that no one is perfect and that it’s okay.
Teach them that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that no one gets everything right all the time. What matters is that we keep showing up and doing our best. Give gentle nudges and lots of support, and always celebrate the small successes.
3. Use educated guesses if the child says, “I don’t know.”
If you get “I don’t know” when you ask the “what” questions described in principle 1, just do your best to make an educated guess. It’s likely your child doesn’t actually know what the problem is, or that he or she doesn’t have the ability to put those feelings into words.
When you make an educated guess and try to problem-solve, this models to your child how to do it and gives her information she can use in the future when trying to identify and solve a problem.
4. Try temporary solutions and be patient.
When problem-solving, it’s best for the child to come up with suggested solutions. Give her time to think about it and to make a suggestion, and withhold your judgment about the solution she suggests. Give it a try so that she can see the outcome to her own ideas. If she truly cannot come up with any ideas, you can offer your own ideas as a last resort, but keep in mind that implosive children may need more encouragement to voice her ideas.
Finally, be open to her feedback about the ideas you suggest. Don’t take her feedback personally but rather brainstorm other ideas together. Through this, she will learn how to brainstorm and not take the rejection of an idea personally because this is what you’ve modeled to her. If the solution suggested doesn’t work, go back to square one and keep trying!
For more positive parenting advice, check out these great resources!