When I try to hug and kiss my 6-year-old, she usually becomes a squirmy little worm and wiggles her way out of arms. When I tell her how proud I am of her, she offers an appreciative smile. But when I offer to make slime with her, she beams and throws me the biggest hug.
There are many ways to show love. But the various forms of expressions are not created equal. Speaking the right love language to your child can fill his bucket a quarter full, a half full or make it overflow. Speaking your child’s love language can change the dynamic of not only your relationship with your child but the chemistry of the entire family.
The five love languages as defined by Gary Chapman in his book, “The Five Love Languages of Children,” are acts of service; words of affirmation, gifts, quality time or physical touch. Each of these expressions of love represents a different "language."
For my squirmy 6-year-old, quality time fills her bucket most. That’s not to say she doesn’t appreciate words of encouragement or won’t enjoy a cuddle at night. But quality time is the love language that communicates love best. After a couple of hours of focused one-on-one time, I’ve noticed an increase in her level patience, cooperation and happiness during the week. She becomes less needy. Kids, after all, are just like us. When their needs are met, they have more to give. In this way, learning to speak your child’s love language can be powerful in giving your child more confidence.
When your child is young, it’s not completely easy to distinguish his or her love language because they need all five languages: your acts of service, personal touch, words of affirmation, quality time and what child doesn’t like gifts? But as your child becomes older, his dominant love language will become clearer.
It’s important to note that what communicates love to one child may not be received the same way by another child. By understanding the five love languages, we can more easily discern the emotional needs of your child. Here is a brief description of each love language:
Words of affirmation
Words hold great power for a child whose love language is words of affirmation. Compliments such as "You’re such a great sister!" or "You’re such a wonderful kid!” go a long way with the child who thrives on praise and encouragement. Affirming words hold the power to provide your child with security and an inner sense of worth.
Acts of service
In the early stages of life, all children needs acts of service because they aren’t independent enough to do much for themselves. But as they get older, kids who seek to be loved through acts of service want your help mending their broken Lego not merely for the sake of restoring order, but because your sacrifice in helping them is their primary love language. If your child’s love language is acts of service, this does not mean that you have to be at their beck and call. But you should be sensitive to how you respond to their request. Even if you can’t attend to their request at that moment, a thoughtful, loving response can go a long way.
Gifts
Every child loves receiving gifts. But for some, receiving gifts can be the way to his heart. These kids treasure gifts as a tangible token of affection. Unfortunately, because the purveying of tangible goods can be interpreted as spoiling your child, a child whose love language is receiving gifts can be shortchanged. But the important thing to remember is that your gifts don’t need to be expensive, and they don’t need to be given with radical frequency. But recognizing that a child prefers to be rewarded with yummy pastry than a hug is an important step in building communication.
Quality time
Children who speak this love language seek undivided attention. For a child whose love language is quality time, you may often hear the request, “Can you put your phone down?” It’s easy to mistaken time spent together as quality time. But there is no fooling a child who gets his love bucket filled with quality time. Quality time is about focus. It can be had through conversations, sharing a meal together, or engaging in the same activity side by side, even when words are scarce. Quality time requires that you are either focused on the child, or on the same thing the child is focused on. For a child with siblings, some shuffling may be required to find one-on-one time with either mom or dad.
Physical touch
A child whose love language is physical touch will continue to cherish hugs, kisses, a touch on the arm, a pat on the back, wants to literally feel their love. There are many ways to speak this language. You can read them a story while the child sits on your lap, hold his hand while walking, or even by spinning him around in the air.
Though children receive love best from one dominant love language, that’s not to say they won’t need the other expressions of love. A child who feels love most deeply through a gift, can and most probably will appreciate encouraging words or a hug. But your efforts to communicate love will be more effective by focusing on his main love language.