Rhythms of Rest | ParentClicks

The second installment in the rhythms series is addressing rest. This series is all about intentionally creating the lives we desire by building in daily rhythms that meet the needs of our families and fill us with love, peace, and joy. Of course, one need we all have is rest, and unfortunately it seems harder and harder to come by for parents and children alike in our busy culture. Fortunately, we can create a family culture within the walls of our homes that do not mirror the outside culture, one that invites space to breathe and time to think – a culture that slows life down a bit and gives a chance to savor our relationships and our minutes.

How can we build in times of rest when there is so much to do each day? It starts with a boundary. We must be clear about what we need and what we will allow. When you truly make rest a priority, you’ll make time for it because it’s important to you. Get clear about why you need rest, why your kids need rest, what value you’ll get from it, and then begin to make changes in your daily routine that allow for it.

Physical rest is probably the first thing you thought of when you read the headline, and yes, physical rest is extremely important. It’s the cultural norm to be overworked, stressed out, busy, and sleep deprived. And yet we know that rest improves cardiovascular health, lowers blood pressure and cortisol levels, decreased depression, and increases life span. We know that children who don’t get enough rest suffer from irritability, forgetfulness, anxiety, low motivation, and forgetfulness. Research shows that children who consistently get enough sleep can solve problems, learn new information better, concentrate longer, make better decisions, have more energy, and the list goes on. The American Academy of Pediatrics supports the following guidelines:

Infants 4 months to 12 months should sleep 12-16 hours per 24 hours (including naps).
Children 1-2 years of age should sleep 11-14 hours per 24 hours (including naps).
Children 3-5 years of age should sleep 10-13 hours per 24 hours (including naps).
Children 6-12 years of age should sleep 9-12 hours.
Teenagers 13-18 should sleep 8-10 hours.

How much sleep is your child consistently getting and what changes can you make in your daily routines that allow for more and better sleep? Certainly having a good bedtime routine is going to be helpful, but it’s not that simple. In order to have a bedtime routine, everyone must be freed up by the evening, and of course rehearsals, sporting events and practices, and homework can last well into the night and some schools are starting so early that kids are up by 5:30 in the morning! This is where we need to think about our priorities. Is it worth the lost rest? It could be, but that’s a conscious decision that needs to be made. What accommodations can be made on nights that you’re not busy to make sure your kids get adequate sleep? Here are some tips for a better sleep routine:

Dim the lights in the house in the evenings.
Turn off screens an hour before bed.
Take advantage of sleep associations by doing the exact actions before bed each night. These cue the brain that it’s time to sleep.
According to the National Sleep Foundation, the power of the sleep routine is not in what you do but how you do it. By using a calming voice and energy, you can help your kids wind down. Dim lights and soft music add to the restful mood that will have your child drifting off to sleep faster. The lead-up to bedtime is just as important as bedtime itself!

As an adult, you need 7-9 hours per night consistently. What are you clocking? Bedtime routines aren’t just for children. You can create a calming bedtime routine for yourself that cues your body and mind to wind down and rest as well.

It’s not just physical rest that’s important, but emotional rest as well. Regardless of emotional sensitivity or personality, all children need emotional rest to grow well. Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a developmental psychologist and founder of The Neufeld Institute, discusses the need for emotional rest in his Relationship Matters course. See a clip here. To summarize, Dr. Neufeld mentions these three ways in which we can provide our children with emotional rest, which you can read in my article Providing Children with Emotional Rest here. A quick summary as that children need closeness rather than separation when we correct them. He says, “When we make them work to earn our approval and positive attention, they cannot rest in the security of unconditional love, and it puts a burden on them to try and keep mom and/or dad close. He says our message should be there is nothing that can separate you from my love.” Secondly, we must provide “more attention than the child asks for. We should always make our children feel significant and worthy of our time. Thirdly is assuming our role as a confident leader as children are not developmentally ready to feel as though they are in the lead, even though they appear to want it sometimes.

The question is then how to build our daily rhythms to provide emotional rest for our kids? Discipline is a generally a routine, whether we intend it to be or not. We will look extensively at rhythms of discipline in the next installment, but I’ll address it briefly here. We often respond to our children’s behaviors and actions in the same way, making it routine. Some have a routine of grounding or taking away privileges, some have a routine or time-outs, but when the routine is punishment, emotional rest is absent. Instead, practice positive discipline techniques like time-in and problem-solving that allow you to work with your child in a nonthreatening way to guide them to toward better behavior and choices. A routine of loving discipline provides emotional rest.

You can also build quality time into your daily routine so that you’re giving your child positive attention each day. Sometimes when children feel a lack of attention, they may ask for it in unfavorable ways to try and get that need met. By proactively meeting their need for loving attention, you will thwart negative attention-seeking behavior.

Finally, just by purposefully creating these rhythms of rest, you’re assuming your role as loving leader and caretaker. Your child will know will rest knowing that you have it under control (even if sometimes you doubt that you do). The key is to not show that you are too easily ruffled or overturned but that you are steady, dependable, and capable. When you build physical rest as well as emotional rest into your family culture, your kids will thrive and reap the benefits, and your home will be more joyful as a result.