My firstborn son has entered tweenhood.
These are new waters for me, and that’s really what parenting is – growing, adapting, and learning new steps in this life-long dance.
While I adore the young man he’s become, I find myself longing to have him back in diapers, stacking blocks in the play room. Having a toddler is physically exhausting, but I knew basically what was going on in his mind and what his motivations were. Fussy? Have a snack or a nap.
Those things are no longer as clear. Fussy? Is it school work? A peer relationship? Something I said? A bad episode of Lab Rats? Who knows? Here’s what I’ve worked out so far about being a positive parent to a tween.
1. Communication is different.
Tweens don’t want to chat as much as young kids do, at least not my tween boy. While my 7-year-old will chatter on and on about everything under the sun, I have to be more proactive about communicating with my older child now. He doesn’t just spill whatever is on his mind, and it seems like there is always something deep going on in there.
I’ve found that it’s easier at times for us to write back and forth to each other in a simple notebook or to have a discussion while I’m driving. If I ask him what’s on his mind point blank, I usually get “nothing” and a shoulder shrug.
It’s also really important with tweens to not be too quick to rattle off your judgements and advice and to tame your big reactions. Make talking feel safe for him or her. I have also realized that this is an important time for him to hear stories from our own youth. He loves to hear about things my husband and I went through at his age and how we dealt with them.
So my rules for communicating with my tween are:
- engage in a conversation
- make it feel comfortable
- watch reactions
- listen to understand
- share stories
2. They need space and respect.
Well, all children need respect, but he’s at an age where he understands the concept of respect now. In other words, he knows when he’s getting it. Being a sensitive introvert like myself, I acknowledge and respect his need for space and time alone. Getting his extroverted little brother to understand this need is challenging.
He has always shared a room with his brother and recently said he wanted his own room, which we gave him much to the chagrin of little bro. It’s easy to give him the downtime he needs right now because he’s currently homeschooled, but I imagine that, for children who spend all day at school and then have busy evenings afterwards, this need may get neglected which could result in unwanted behavior.
3. Correction is needed less but relationship counts even more.
There are no tantrums over juice cups or toys. There is no hitting, pinching, or name-calling. Correction isn’t needed nearly as much as in those toddler and preschool years. I’m grateful I invested in positive parenting and building a strong relationship in those early years, because I’m quite certain my tween wouldn’t accept my counsel if I hadn’t.
What I came to understand years ago is just as true today – punishment is not the best course of discipline and it’s still just as important to look beyond behavior.
He recently did something that was unexpected and disappointing, and if my initial reaction had been to punish him, I would have completely missed a deeper issue that was behind his decision. Thankfully, I understand that behavior is just a clue, and we were able to get to the core issue and resolve it.
Top tips for being a positive parent to a tween:
- Stay connected. They only listen to those they trust.
- Be clear about what is expected, but also be reasonable about your expectations.
- Respect space and privacy.
- Be proactive in communication. Make talking safe and easy.
- Don’t be so quick to confiscate cell phones or send him to his room. There is still a reason behind his behavior and he still needs your help navigating the ever-changing waters of childhood.