One of the most shocking things about motherhood for me is how long it’s been hard. I confess, when my boys were just tiny tots, I had this idea in my head. I told myself “when they’re 6 and 4, it’ll be easier.” I reasoned that, surely by then they’d both be sleeping well, potty trained, and those wacky toddler behaviors would have passed and things would definitely be smooth sailing from there. Then suddenly my kids were 6 and 4 and it was still hard, just in a different way. They were potty trained and sleeping better, but there was still so much to do and so much to teach. So I told myself, “when they are 10 and 8, this will definitely, for sure, be easier.” I mean, in 4 more years, they’d be super mature, right? When 10 and 8 came and I realized that motherhood is apparently never going to be easy, I fell into a funk. I kept thinking, “What did I sign up for here?! I’m still exhausted a decade into mothering!”
That’s when I realized I needed a huge perspective shift if I was ever going to find true contentment and joy in my mothering journey. I had to fully accept that it wasn’t going to ever be easy and stop waiting for a magical age when my troubles and worries would vanish. It’s not coming. Meanwhile, my life is happening. Their childhoods are happening. This is it, right now, and just because it isn’t easy doesn’t mean it isn’t good.
The thing about focusing on your hardships is that it magnifies them, and those now big hardships overshadow all the little moments of love and beauty and joy.
I realized I was spending a lot of time focusing on what my kids couldn’t yet do or what I hadn’t yet accomplished and this left me feeling like I was always behind and trying to race to the next milestone or achievement. Of course, the problem with constantly looking ahead is that you miss the great stuff happening in the now, which is exactly what was happening. I knew if I continued this, it would lead to regret. So, I decided to change one thing.
I started focusing my attention on the positives. I thought about what my kids could do and how much they’ve grown and matured. I looked at their good traits and complimented them more on what I saw. I looked at what I have accomplished and realized how far I’d come. I paid more attention to the miracle moments. I started a “happy thoughts journal” where I wrote things that I was grateful for, good things that had happened that day, positive thoughts about the future, something good about my kids, happy quotes I liked, and so on. I started my 10 minutes of joy practice. And because energy flows where your attention goes, I felt happier and more good things started happening (or at least I noticed them more).
I’m not at all Pollyannish. I fully acknowledge that parenthood brings exhaustion, worry, fear, sleepless nights, hurt feelings, broken hearts, messes everywhere, anxiety, and more. But it also brings laughter, smiles, hugs, tiny hands in mine, arms around my neck, the sweet rhythmic breathing of a child sleeping next to me, mornings that start with “good morning, Mommy,” love notes, stick people drawings, sticky kisses, healing, and love. So much love. My happiness (and yours) is largely dependent on which of those I choose to focus on.
It’s not easy now and it will never be easy, but it’s still really, really good.