Raising a strong-willed child? It may not be easy but let’s face it, she’s the one you don’t have to worry about when you’re not there to protect her. Strong-willed children come with built-in features that are often difficult to teach like tenacity, grit, independence and the ability to withstand peer pressure. Research shows strong-willed children grow up to make some of the best entrepreneurs, innovators and leaders because of the very quality that makes it difficult to parent them: they disrupt and challenge the norm.
So how do you nurture these amazing qualities without breaking their spirit? It may be important to first understand the inner workings of a strong-willed child. Strong-willed children are guided by a strong sense of integrity. When you’re young, this moral compass often seems excessive. It may not make sense to us why socks have to be put on a certain way or why a child has to face a particular window while eating their cereal. This stubborn streak can be viewed as defiance for the sake of defiance. But for strong-willed children, they are merely adhering to their own moral code. And they will often put their desire to be right above all else.
So it should come as no surprise that they hate being told what to do. Strong-willed children would much rather learn for themselves, or to at least understand the reason for doing something instead of blindly acquiescing to it. This is also why they seem to constantly test boundaries. They also want desperately to have autonomy and be in control of their own domain. So yes, they can prove to be a handful!
But consider the plus side. They are impervious to peer pressure, they are naturally independent and the constant quest for “why not?” makes them see possibilities in situations most people would simply accept as status quo. We desperately need them to be the movers and shakers of tomorrow. So while it would be convenient if your strong-willed child did what you told her do simply because you said so, consider what’s at the heart of this wish. You probably don’t want your child to merely adhere to an authority figure. You want her to listen to you because she trusts you. This takes time and effort. Here’s are some tips on how to hone and nurture their talents.
- Try to teach them through experience. Tell a strong-willed not to do something, and she’ll immediately become curious as to why not. Strong-willed children are experimental learners. So if they’re not in any danger, it’s probably best to take the time to show them why they should or should not do something. If you can’t show them, take the time to explain the logic behind rules and requests.
- Provide options. Nobody likes being told what to do. But strong-willed children find this particularly unpalatable. They need and crave autonomy and when you’re a kid, you get very little of it. There’s always a way to incorporate choices. Instead of telling them it’s bath time, ask them if they would like to go bath now or in 10 minutes. Or if your strong-willed child has done something that warrants an apology, give them the autonomy to figure out how they want to say sorry. Providing options helps strong-willed children save face, something that’s important to them.
- Meet them half way with empathy. Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect, and being told no over and can be be a blow to their ego. One way to help your child maintain her dignity is by empathy. After providing empathy, they’ll be more open to listen to what you have to say.
- Avoid power struggles by establishing routines. Even strong-willed children are the sum of their habits. Forming good habits is an excellent way for strong-willed children to learn the discipline of abiding by rules. Establishing routines and rules also takes a lot of the work out of parenting because you don’t have to explain the logic behind those rules over and over.
- Remind them of their superpowers. Having a stubborn streak will land strong-willed children in hot water. It comes with the territory. However, when they are reprimanded repeatedly, they can develop a negative view of themselves. “How come I’m always the one getting in trouble,” you may have heard your strong-willed child say. It’s imperative for your strong-willed child to view their tenacious streak as a strength as well, and that they do indeed possess a superpower they need to learn to harness. To illustrate this, I have leaned on Elsa, the Disney ice queen. Before learning how to harness her powers, she used them clumsily. But once she knew how to harness it, her powers became a thing of beauty and good. In the process of teaching your child how to harness her superpowers, it’s also important not to compare your child to a more easy-going sibling or friend, who possesses inherently different qualities and propensities altogether.