Discipline and criticism often happen together but their effects couldn’t be more different. Discipline is necessary in steering a child in the right direction, criticism discourages, distracts and often steers kids in the opposite intended direction.
Anyone who’s ever been criticized reacts in two ways: he will either slouch his shoulders and retreat into a defeated corner, or he’ll act out and become defiant. Criticism never leads to lasting change. When it comes to kids who are criticized, they often become so focused on how they’ve disappointed their parents, that they seldom remember the lesson.
But not only is criticism futile, “Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance and arouses resentment,” said Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People.
So why do we criticize our kids? Many times it happens despite our best efforts. Differentiating criticism from discipline isn’t always easy. We discipline because our kids have done something wrong after all. Other times, though, it’s because we don’t have a better alternative. When our kids keep making the same mistake over and over, we become desperate for change and end up meeting force with more force. But there’s a more effective way to inspire change than through criticism. Here’s how.
1. Seek to understand first. A much more effective way to inspire change is to try to understand your child before you condemn him. Once a child feels validated and heard, he will feel more inclined to listen because he won’t be on the defensive anymore.
My strong-willed 5-year-old used to go through phases of defiance. She would be cooperative and polite one minute, then enter a period of willful stubbornness and lashing out. So I used to feel the need to become more vocal in my corrections.
But when I had a chance to sit down with her, it became apparent that for as strong and independent as she was, my seemingly iron-clad daughter was very vulnerable to feelings of disappointment when it came to mom and dad. The more she got scolded, the more she became discouraged. And the less confident she became in her abilities to behave well. It was then when I sought out to understand her motive first, and began pursuing more positive and encouraging ways to motivate her. Which leads me to my next point.
2. Don’t forget about positive consequences. Criticisms take on different forms than just audible words. It can be the impression we leave on our kids that nothing they do is good enough. If all we’re focused on is their flaws, if the only form of feedback they receive comes in the form of negative consequences, we are criticizing them much louder than we realize.
B.F. Skinner, a world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. How much more so a human child with feelings and needs, which above all, include the need to find approval from mom and dad?
In our busyness it’s easy to forget to reward good behavior. But reinforcing positive behavior is critical for lasting change. In order to remain motivated, kids need to understand that in life there are consequences both good and bad.
3. Have realistic expectations. The key to calm consistency in delivering constructive discipline is to have realistic expectations. Remember that tantrums, as unpleasant and inconvenient as they are, are totally normal for toddlers and kids even up to 6 years old. It’s normal for kids to rip holes in their pants and get dirty. It’s normal for kids to not want to share, for them to spill, for them to pout. The more you remind yourself of just how little they are, the more patience you’ll have.
In “Father Forgets,” a timeless editorial reprinted in hundreds of magazines, W. Livingston Larned writes a letter to his son one night after reflecting on a day filled with reprimands. But that night, he wrote a letter to his son and admitted his mistake of expecting too much.
“What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding – this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.”
When we adjust our expectations, we gain patience and develop the ability to withhold criticism.
4. Ask yourself whom you’re disappointed with. As parents, we become the most frustrated when we feel helpless. But in the heat of the moment, it’s important to step back and assess if we’re disappointed with the behavior of our kids, or we’re disappointed with ourselves. Anger often feels like one big cloudy mess, but it’s important to let time diffuse the situation so we can sift through it and see which feelings are the result of our own disappointment, and which have resulted from our kids. Then consider if we’re being realistic in our expectations of our kids – and of ourselves.
5. Separate mistakes from who your child is. While you need to tell your child what they did wrong, we don’t want to identify who they are with their mistakes. Avoid damaging remarks like, “Why do you always do that?” or “What’s wrong with you?” Effective discipline always targets the behavior and not the person.
6. Begin instruction with a positive comment. Before pointing out what your child has done wrong, reference something they’ve done right first. If your child has snatched a toy from a friend, for instance, you might start off by saying something like, “Remember how you shared your toy with your sister this morning…”
Then, follow up with the instruction. However, instead of saying “but,” try using the word “and” instead.
“Remember, how you shared your toy with your sister? But what you’re doing now isn’t very nice,” for instance, won’t be as encouraging and effective as, “Remember, how you shared your toy with your sister? And if you did that again right now, Brian would really appreciate it.”
Following up constructive feedback with a “but” often negates the former positive statement and makes it sound disingenuous. Using “and” provides a much more logical, encouraging flow.
Criticisms have a way of stifling and stirring resentment in all people. Remember that people in general are not creatures of logic but of emotion. How much more is this the case for our young children who too often have to hear criticism from the very people they crave the most acceptance from? Take it easy on your child. It’s not as easy to be a kid as you may remember it to be.