It wasn’t long before it happened. Within weeks of starting school, my son began to feel the pressures of fitting in, being cool, and belonging to a group of peers. This year, in third grade, the stakes became higher.
“If you don’t like sports, you can’t play with us.”
“If you (fill in the blank), I won’t be your friend anymore.”
The thing is, your child’s friends rarely love without conditions, and jumping through the conditions of acceptance and approval is exhausting every single day. My son wants to be popular. He wants to be liked. I see him walking the line daily between conforming and remaining true to himself. I’ve witnessed him take up for himself and I’ve seen him give in to the pressure. Sometimes we assume childhood is easy and stress-free. We’ve forgotten how hard it was to form an identity when so many people were telling you who you should be.
How can we help our children resist all of this peer pressure and hold tight to the values we’ve tried so desperately to instill? Here are 6 ways to protect your kids.
1. Build a quality, connected relationship. This is the only way you will have the greater influence in your child’s life. If your child doesn’t feel completely loved and accepted at home, you can bet she will do just about anything to find that acceptance with her peers. Humans are wired to crave connection and acceptance. Be her person.
2. Establish good communication. Talk about peer pressure early, even in Kindergarten. Explain what it is so they can recognize it when it happens. Use a positive communication style with your children so they feel heard and respected. Don’t be quick to dish out criticism or advice and be careful with your words. If children feel that you are too judgmental or aren’t safe to confide in, you’ll lose their trust, and trust is key to guiding them through childhood and adolescence.
3. Make your values clear and live them. Create a positive family culture guided by your values and set reasonable rules that communicate what is acceptable and what isn’t. Use your family’s mission statement as a guide, and hold regular family meetings where you discuss your values and mission.
4. Affirm positive traits. Everywhere your kids go, they hear what they are not. They’re not cool enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, sporty enough, smart enough, focused enough, still enough, quiet enough, loud enough... You may be the only positive, affirming voice they hear all day. Tell your kids often that they are enough. Point out what they are. Children often come to see themselves the way we see them. What are we communicating?
5. Encourage positive relationships. Get to know your kid’s friends and encourage relationships with positive influences by offering to host a sleepover or taking them out shopping or to a movie. Discuss the importance of choosing friends wisely, and discuss it often. While you can’t choose your child’s friends, you can try to steer them away from bad influences subtly by encouraging better bonds with the positive friends.
6. Teach them how to set boundaries and how to compromise. Good boundaries will ensure that big values aren’t in jeopardy while the skill of compromise will help them navigate social pressures in a way they can control and feel comfortable with. For example, if a friend says “I’ll only play with you at recess if you play my game,” you can coach your child to say, “Okay, I’ll play your game today and you can play my game tomorrow.” Also teach your child key phrases such as “I’m not comfortable with that” to gracefully exit sticky situations.
In the end, the quality of your relationship and comfort of home life are the anchors that will keep your child from getting lost. If your child feels connected to you and feels valued and accepted at home, you will remain their compass point, and they’ll always find their way back home.