So, you’re raising a teenager. Bless your heart.

Teens are truly wonderful. There is so much to enjoy about this stage of parenting. Let’s be honest, though. It’s tough sometimes. Like, super tough. Their moods are a roller coaster, the dangers are bigger, and the consequences are potentially life-altering. They push boundaries. They pull away. They do weird things with their hair.

It’s a turbulent stage filled with lots of angst, a fair amount of door slams, and more eyerolls than there are stars in the sky. Many parents don’t understand their teen’s behavior. Why, when you’re sure they know better, do they act on impulse or make poor decisions? Why do they have such big emotions over such simple things? It’d all be easier if we could just understand what is going on inside their heads, wouldn’t it? It turns out, what’s going on in there is a brain under heavy construction. Our teens sure look grown, especially when we have to stand on tiptoes to kiss their cheeks, but behind those rolling eyes is an underdeveloped brain that runs more on emotion than logic.

According to Stanford Children’s Health, adults process information in the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that responds with good judgement and awareness of long-term consequences. That region of the brain doesn’t fully develop until around age 25, however, so teens process information with the amygdala. This is the emotional center, and it’s responsible for impulsivity and immediate reactions, including fear and aggressive behavior.

This is why adolescents are more likely to:

  • Act on impulse
  • Get into accidents
  • Get into fights
  • Engage in risky behaviors

Teens often act before they think and don’t stop to consider the consequences. This isn’t defiance or naughtiness - it’s development.

Here are 5 ways you can help support your teen through these amazing and trying years:

  1. Ensure they get proper sleep. Teens need 9 to 10 hours of sleep per night. Research shows that the blood levels of the sleep hormone melatonin is higher later at night and drops later in the morning than in most children and adults. This explains why they tend to stay up later and sleep in later. However, due to school, they often go to sleep later but still have to get up early, causing sleep deprivation which can have a serious impact on development over time and leads to increased impulsivity, difficulty paying attention, and higher levels of anxiety. Encourage your teen to develop a good bedtime routine which includes sleep meditations or relaxing movements such as gentle yoga, and when they have the opportunity to sleep in, let them sleep!
  2. Talk about the immediate and long-term consequences of their actions. Explain how one action can affect many people. Help your child to stop and think. Rather than simply punishing your teen by taking away their phone or video games, look to logical solutions that help solve the problem that was created by their behavior, and discuss your reasoning along the way. When you talk through cause and effect, you are helping your child make these connections in the brain, strengthening that area as it develops.
  3. Encourage empathy by discussing feelings freely. Talk about yours, talk about theirs, and discuss examples in movies. Ask them to notice facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, and see if they can learn to tell what others may be feeling through their non-verbal communication. Help your teen understand different perspectives and to see how another’s point of view may differ from his. Be a positive role model for showing empathy to others.
  4. Help your child find new and creative outlets for self-expression. Many teenagers enjoy music, writing, sports, dance, theater or other art forms to be therapeutic and helpful in releasing emotions. These activities can also help your child take healthy risks, learn problem-solving skills, practice understanding social cues, and develop independence.
  5. Stay connected to your teen. While it is important to set boundaries and guide your teen, you must also let them unfold. They need grace for their awkwardness and high emotions. Even when they resort to being disrespectful with us, we must step up and treat them with respect and dignity. This is how we set an example for adult behavior. And when they seem to be pushing us away, we must find ways to stay close and above all, we need to convey unconditional love.

The teen years are a perilous journey of self-discovery. We cannot protect them from all the bumps and bruises, but we can be an ever-present source of comfort. We can be a soft place to land and a safe place to unmask. We can be the one voice that stands out above all others, because ours is a voice of encouragement and adoration - a voice that always brings them back home.

Resources:

  1. https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=understanding-the-teen-brain-1-3051
  2. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/The-Teen-Brain-Behavior-Problem-Solving-and-Decision-Making-095.aspx