When we think of attachment in regards to parenting, we typically think of babies, but children don’t outgrow the need for secure attachment by toddlerhood. Whether your child is 2 weeks, 2 years, or 12 years old, feeling securely attached to you will help her have a better emotional life and a positive self-concept.

Secure attachments are formed by being lovingly responsive to your child’s needs. Below are my tips for developing a secure attachment based from my book Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide.

  1. Respond promptly and lovingly to cries and emotional upsets. Parents often do this naturally for babies but are more hesitant to do so with a toddler or teen. You might want to tell them to “toughen up” or that it’s “not a big deal,” and you may be even be tempted to ignore their cries or tantrums because you don’t want to reinforce such behavior. However, big emotions are not bad behavior; they are just part of the human experience, and while it is important to teach children to handle them appropriately, it is also crucial to our bond that we continue to respond lovingly. The bond is jeopardized when we ignore or minimize how our children feel.
  2. Understand your child’s cues for food, rest, play, and comfort, and attend to them accordingly. Learning our baby’s cues is a stepping­ stone to understanding the more complex needs of a toddler, preschooler, and beyond. Learning to read cues involves getting to know and understand our child’s personality, likes and dislikes, tendencies, love language, facial expressions, and more. In fact, understanding cues helps tremendously when they move beyond the baby years as we assess the need behind the behavior. A toddler’s tantrum may be a cue for rest or down-time. A preschooler’s aggression may be a cue for connection or comfort. A teen’s withdrawal may be a cue of stress or overwhelm. By learning to understand our child’s cues, we are able to provide them with what they need but cannot or will not ask for.
    1. Give full, focused attention without distractions. Be present in the moment. Too many conversations these days take place while someone is staring into a device, but it’s not only our smartphones and gadgets that pull us away. How often do you half-listen to your child as you continue to do your mountain-sized list of chores or while your mind wanders elsewhere? Nothing communicates you matter to me quite like full, focused attention. You matter more than my Facebook feed, more than this pile of laundry, more than that Netflix show I want to watch as soon as you’re finally in bed! Make a point to give each child your full presence and attention for some time each day, and watch your bond grow.
    2. Provide lots of positive attention – talking, laughing, play, and cuddles. A good chunk of the time we spend with children is in giving negative attention such as correction or directives. “Don’t do that.” “You have 5 more minutes.” “Get ready for bed.” “Do your homework.” “Clean your room.” These things are necessary, of course, but let’s make sure we give them a good chunk of positive attention or else they will draw away from us. I recently heard Betty White say in an interview that she loved being in her parents’ company more than her friends’ because they were often laughing and having a good time. It’s where she got her sense of humor! To build strong and secure bonds, make sure you enjoy your children’s company and that they enjoy yours.