The key to parenting children has never been in discipline techniques or clever consequences but in having a connected relationship. Great parent-child relationships make children happier, healthier, and easier to parent. Research has shown that a strong, secure attachment is the best foundation for healthy development, so it’s important to know how to develop such an attachment bond and what to avoid that may harm the relationship. We know that our earliest relationships actually build the brain structures we use for relating to others our whole lives. Being securely attached isn’t just important for infants and young children. Through adolescence and into adulthood, it is important to have a healthy, connected relationship. Connection is vital because the human brain is literally wired to connect, and when that connection isn’t there, we suffer emotionally, and that basic need for connection is never outgrown.
Because a strong attachment is so important throughout childhood, this is the first post in a three-part series of building great relationships with our kids. This post will concentrate on children from birth to age 6.
Infancy
Building a great relationship with your infant is all about meeting your baby’s physical and emotional needs and fostering trust. Adapted from my book Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide
Here are some tips for building trust and connection with your infant:
- Get to know your infant’s cues and respond to them promptly. Babies communicate with you through sounds, gestures, and facial expressions. Read 11 Important Baby Cues.
- Give plenty of hugs, kisses, snuggles, and skin-to-skin contact. Some studies have shown that affection facilitates brain development. Skin-to-skin contact calms babies, helps them sleep better, and lowers stress levels for the parent, too!
- Smile, talk, and interact frequently with your baby, but also be aware of your baby’s cues for downtime. A baby who is turning away from you or arching her back may be saying “enough!” This is why learning your baby’s cues is so important.
- Feed her at the first hunger cues, before she begins to cry for food if possible. As you feed her, talk softly and make eye contact.
- Respond promptly to cries. “Research shows that babies whose needs are met quickly as infants actually become more secure and confident and less whiny as children.” You cannot spoil a baby.
Toddlers and Preschoolers
Your child may be talking nonstop now, but finding the words to express big emotions is still a difficult task. That’s why it’s important to continue reading cues and discerning the reasons behind your child’s behavior and to continue meeting your child’s needs with loving responsiveness. Below are a few ways to keep the connection strong:
- Avoid any discipline that uses shame, coercion, or withdrawal of affection and attention. These tactics put a strain on the attachment relationship, break trust, and cause anxiety in children.
- Listen to the little things now so she’ll tell you the big things later. You’re laying the foundation for respectful communication in these early years, so show her how to listen well.
- Practice what you preach. Children follow our example more than our instructions. We can’t expect little kids to use gentle hands and kind words if we don’t practice this ourselves.
- Praise the process, not the result. You want to convey the message that trying is what counts, not getting it perfect. This teaches the value of effort, and it builds connection when you take the time to stop and acknowledge your child.
- Speak words of affirmation
- Take time to play.
- Keep your promises. If you say you’ll lie down with him at bedtime for an extra story tonight, make sure you follow through. Your word is important now because you want his word to be important later – so you teach the value of keeping your promises.
- Schedules and routines are important as they create a sense of safety for young children.
Beware of parenting practices that damage trust. Many common discipline strategies actually erode the relationship, causing more problems than they solve. Ignoring children, allowing them to cry unattended, shaming, and punishment all have the potential of harming the connection that is so very important. Building a trusting, healthy relationship in these early years will not only provide your child with lifetime benefits, but it will set the foundation for a more cooperative, better-behaved child in the future.