Preschool friendships may be formed at a young age but they aren’t trite. Some preschoolers, especially those of working parents, may spend as much time at school with their classmates as they do at home. So when the time comes to transition to the much bigger world of kindergarten, the experience can be bewildering. The biggest challenge of all can come in the form of losing a best friend, as I recently learned.

My 5 year-old daughter had a wonderful preschool experience with amazing teachers at a stellar school. Perhaps best of all, were the amazing friendships she formed. For the past three years, she spent several hours a day, five days a week with her school friends. Not to mention the many hours spent celebrating birthdays, holidays and playdates outside of school.

But like all good things, this too came to a screeching halt when each was forced to journey on to their respective kindergartens. I knew the transition would be hard but I underestimated just how difficult the mourning process would be for her – and me. It’s been heartbreaking to watch my daughter miss her best friend and roam around school the first two weeks of kindergarten alone because she simply refused to play with anyone else.

But we’ve discovered some tips and insights that have helped her cope and grow stronger from the experience. Here are 5 ideas for helping your children make the transition.

1. Remind your child the old friends are still around.

Try to arrange opportunities where your child can still see her previous friends. It might be tempting to sever ties completely and rip off the band-aid so to speak, but consider the alternative. For one, reuniting and nurturing the friendships of your little one will help them form a positive life view that transitions and moves don’t mean friendships are terminal. Plus, it will teach them about the science of friendships at an early age. If you nurture it, it will grow.

Moreover, having a group of friends outside of their immediate school can also be a source of great confidence for your child. Having a diverse group of friends is the first line of defense against being victimized by bullying, which happens as early as kindergarten.

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2. Encourage your child to make new friends.

It’s not enough to tell your child to make new friends. Teach them.

  • Play out scenarios and practice with your child so she’ll know how to strike a conversation or be prepped about how to ask other children to play with her.
  • Also seek out opportunities by reaching out to other parents and form play dates.
  • Finally, remind your child that her best friend is still her friend and that making new friends won’t erase her past friendships but teach her to be an even better friend.

3. Encourage and applaud your child’s efforts.

Be patient with your child. They are all but 5 years old at this age. At a recent birthday party, I made the mistake of being critical of my daughter’s efforts to make new friends. Her eagerness bordered on obnoxious and instead of applauding her efforts, I was quick to point out what she could do more tactfully the next time. Children, like grown-ups, need support more than coaching sometimes.

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4. Listen to them.

Listening becomes easier when we’re not so caught up in trying to solve our children’s problem. Losing a friend and having to make new ones is less a problem and more just a life process of growing into a strong, confident individual after all. Your calm demeanor can be infectious to them. And though you may not be able to help them at school, you can still hold their hand through this.

When my daughter came to me one night and told me she felt bad about something, I asked her what was wrong. She told me she missed two of her friends. I resolved not to fix what she was feeling, for there was nothing to fix. I simply held her and told her I knew it could feel sad to miss someone.

5. Help your child be a cause for good.

Sometimes the most effective therapy comes when we take the focus off of ourselves and help somebody else. Since my daughter wasn’t the only lone ranger in a sea of new kindergarteners, I encouraged her to approach someone who was alone at recess and be a friend to them.

Ask your child who they think can use a friend a school. Part of what makes loss difficult is the loss in sense of control. If you can empower your child to make a positive impact, she will feel less helpless.