Positive discipline is fairly straightforward when parenting toddlers and preschoolers, but the ground feels a little shakier when you’re disciplining a pre-teen. When children are little, positive parents focus on helping children learn about emotions and manage them through using time-ins, calming corners, and peace tables, but what happens when kids outgrow the calming corner? How can you positively discipline a pre-teen who deliberately breaks the rules or exhibits poor behavior?

Grounding seems to be the traditional discipline of choice for this age group. Parents often also send kids to their room, a big-kid version of time-out. However, neither of these options are in line with the principles of positive parenting as both are forms of punishment, and to be frank, losing a day of electronic privileges isn’t likely to improve a child’s attitude or abilities. If anything, these tactics further frustrate children, causing yet more behavioral problems to arise.

 

If your pre-teen is frequently defiant for has a negative attitude toward you, this is a red flag that your relationship is in trouble. Children who feel a positive bond with their parent are typically respectful and cooperative, and your only hope of influence as your child moves through these and the teen years is a strong, positive relationship.

To develop or strengthen a positive relationship:

  • Spend quality time with your child each day to listen and connect.
  • Make rules simple and fair. If your child feels you have a lot of overly strict rules, he’ll feel like you aren’t on his side. However, do stick with the rules that are important to you and explain why they are important.
  • Show her that you value her opinions and voice. Give choices when appropriate and engage in lots of delightful conversation which, in today’s always-plugged-in world isn’t as easy to do with a pre-teen as it seems!
  • Peers are important to your child at this age. Invite their friends over and get to know them. Not only will you get a better sense of who your child is hanging out with at school (being influenced by) but caring about their friends feels a lot like caring about them.
  • Be respectful. Home should be a safe haven. Avoid criticism, yelling, and teasing. Even playful teasing can be hurtful to a sensitive child. Children are at risk of being bullied at school and online more than ever before. Home should be a no-bullying zone.
  • Laugh and have fun. A lot! Play games, dance, and be lighthearted. The more fun you are to be around, the more your child will listen to you! Honest!

Other helpful tips for thwarting poor behavior:

  • Limit screen time to under 3 hours per day as studies have shown that more than that has a negative effect on mood and puts your child at risk for mental disorders.
  • Create a conversation “bubble” or “safe zone” where your kid can tell you anything. Keeping communication open in these years is critically important.
  • Set a good example. I know it seems like an obvious one, but not only will they do what they see you do as they did when they were little, now they’ll begin to call you out if you discipline them for something that you do yourself.
  • Keep an eye on your kid’s stress level. Middle school is a tough transition, and with changes in schedules, classes, teachers, and peers, along with homework, projects, and extracurricular activities, children can get stressed and overwhelmed easily. Make adjustments as needed.

Alternatives to grounding:

Alright, so your relationship is good but your child still breaks a rule or acts out of line (because he’s human too), so now what?

  1. Get curious. What’s going on behind the scenes (at school, on the media your child is consuming, or just in his heart) that could be contributing to the behavior? Getting to the source is best way to stop it.
  2. Bring the ideas from the calm-down corner to this new stage by teaching your child simple techniques she can use now to her emotions in check. Whereas it may have been watching a swirling glitter jar when she was two, at 12 she may enjoy listening to calming music, counting backwards, yoga, or tapping. Explore several different ways until your child finds what works for them.
  3. Use a journal to discuss issues with your child. Writing back and forth can be a great way to communicate with a pre-teen, and they may open up more on paper than they normally would. Try it!
  4. Ask your child to brainstorm solutions to the problem. This teaches him that he is responsible for correcting his mistakes and taking charge of his behavior. If he broke something, he should fix it. If he was hurtful, he should make amends. Ideally, he will come up with a solution on his own, but this could be delivered as a logical consequence (chores to pay for a new bike or an apology note to sister) as long as it is given in the spirit of teaching. Convey that you are on your child’s side and spend time connecting later to strengthen the bond.

Positive discipline looks a little different for pre-teens but the principles remain the same. Attachment. Respect. Proactive parenting. Empathetic leadership. Positive discipline. Remember that your relationship is your only real source of authority and keep it strong.