It is not uncommon for parents to bring different views on childrearing to the table. You were, after all, raised in different environments and have completely different stories which define your beliefs and attitudes about what it means to be a parent and what that role entails. Sometimes these contrasting views can drive a wedge in relationships and lead to whole host of problems within the home.

Problem #1: Resentment – Unfortunately, you may begin to resent your parenting partner with whom you just don’t see eye to eye. Perhaps you view him as stubborn and unwilling to accept new information, or maybe your problem with her is that you feel she is too lenient or coddling. If left unchecked, negative feelings can fester and become resentment, and this will change the dynamic of your relationship and affect the atmosphere of your home.

Problem #2: Criticism – Those feelings of frustration and resentment often make their way out of mouths in the form of criticism which, according to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, is one of the biggest relationship killers.

Problem #3: Inconsistency – When parents follow different rules, the kids don’t know which parent to follow. This can be very confusing and anxiety-producing for some children. Kids are also very smart, and older children will learn to play this to their advantage.

 

The good news, of course, is that even if you’re parenting a teenager, there is still time to make a positive change. If both partners are willing, you can lay your differences aside and join together to create a shared vision for your family. Here’s what you’ll need to bring to begin.

  1. Pencils and 14 strips of paper.
  2. Respect. In order to have a successful conversation, you must leave out judgement, blame, shame, guilt, and criticism. Those emotions keep us stuck and wall us off. Aim for understanding. Why does your partner have these beliefs? What’s the story behind it? How might you feel if you’d grown up in their shoes?
  3. Empathy. Try to understand and empathize with your partner’s perspective. From this place of understanding, you can finally move toward a resolution.
  4. A list of admiral qualities. Even if this list is just in your head, be mindful of the things that once drew you to your partner. Have you been overlooking the good qualities whilst you’ve been so focused on the bad ones?

The Seven Questions

When you have some time without interruptions, answer the following questions on those 14 strips of paper (7 for each of you). Don’t tell your partner what you are writing and be honest and open about your feelings, remembering respect and empathy.

  1. I feel that you are a good parent because _______.
  2. I feel that my role as a parent is to _______.
  3. My parents were _______ and I feel that was _______.
  4. Discipline means _______.
  5. It’s most important to me for our child to be _______.
  6. My goal in raising my child is _____.
  7. I think we need to compromise on _______ first. (Your biggest issue.) 

Once you’ve written the answers, share them with each other one at a time. For example, you’ll both lay your first strip of paper on the table with the answer to question 1 and discuss your answers. You’ll then move on to strip 2 and so on.

This exercise should open up a very important dialogue and give you a deeper understanding of your partner’s position. More importantly, you are hopefully both now in a state of willingness to work together, which is the magical effect of showing regard and empathy for one’s story and position. Tackle your biggest issue first in question 7, the one that may be causing resentment or arguments the most. Look for a win-win solution. According to the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey says, “Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all interactions. To accomplish this, each person must be assertive in discussing their needs and wants surrounding the issue and brainstorm ways both people can get their needs met. 

Don’t underestimate your partner’s willingness to participate! He or she may be longing for a solution just as you are. Give it a try! When parents are united, the home is a happy place where your children can thrive.