Parenting is supposed to be joyful. No one welcomes a child into their hearts and homes with the expectations of extremely frustrating, hair-pulling days. And yet, sometimes children display frustrating defiant behaviors. These behaviors often trigger us in ways that cause us to be less than our best selves, and we end up in cycles of punishment and disconnection, but punishment doesn’t address the root cause. We need to understand what causes defiance and disruptive behaviors so that we can heal it at its source.
Sometimes these behaviors are developmentally normal. We tend to look at defiance as naughtiness when often brain development is the cause. Young children still very much operate from their middle brain - the emotions center. Their behavior is guided by their emotions and impulses. The rational, logical, sequencing, cause and effect part of their brain is just coming online around the age of 4 and is very underdeveloped, taking decades to reach full maturity.
So, when you say, for example, clean up your toys, and your child’s impulse is to play, it's hard for them to stop and reason why they should pick up their toys. I'm not saying she should be allowed to not clean up, but just that we frame the behavior as what it is. When we frame it this way, it allows us to be more calm, rational, and compassionate, and to approach with a problem-solving mindset.
Defiance can also be a heart issue - a signal that the child is feeling detached or disconnected from their attachment figures. When parents use punishment, such as Time-Out, the recurring fear of separation and social isolation breaks down our attachment with them, and when connection is lost, influence is lost. What you then experience is the counterwill instinct. Neufeld Institute faculty member and author Deborah MacNamara explains that counterwill is the instinct to resist, counter, and oppose someone who they feel is controlling or coercing them. Children are designed to be directed by people they are attached to - which makes them prone to resist people who they are not connected to.”
In addition, defiance may be a sign of emotional distress. According to Psychology Today author, Daniel Flint, “Defiant behavior could be rooted in emotional distress. Specifically, children may behave defiantly in an attempt to control a situation where they feel anxious and helpless. Additionally, when children experience stress or even sadness, they may also display defiant behaviors as a result of feeling unable to communicate their own internal state in a socially appropriate manner.” Finally, it may also be a symptom of depression or of traumatic stress, neither of which can be punished away and must be treated appropriately.
Here are a few things to try.
1. Insert playfulness. Anytime you can be playful and silly, you'll likely gain cooperation more easily. So rather than demanding she pick up the toys now so she can go to bed (which she'll probably delay because she doesn't want to go to bed), try making a game of it. Break out into song about how it's cleanup time and ask her to beat the timer or something like that.
2. Work on coping skills. Learning to communicate and manage feelings like frustration and sadness are key skills that many children (and adults) don’t master. Author of The Happy Kid Handbook, Katie Hurley, suggests body mapping. “Draw the outline of a person (or if you’re like me, Google and print). Ask your child to think about all the places on his body that feel sore or different when he’s mad. You might point out that your heart races when you’re mad, and that makes your head feel dizzy. Doing this exercise with your child is important. Color all of those places red. Tell your child that when those places start to feel red, his body is signaling him to get help in a frustrating moment.” In addition, teach skills like deep breathing to regulate emotions.
3. Trade in the Time-Out chair for a calming corner. Using time-in, where you go with your child to co-regulate, is very helpful in encouraging eventual self-regulation. When we isolate children during moments of distress, we only trigger alarm and add more stress. If we calm our own fears and lean in, offer teaching tools to help them calm their minds and bodies, and then discuss solutions for better behavior, we are likely to see much less defiance. Tools such as the Time-In Toolkit from Generation Mindful are very helpful for teaching emotions regulation.
4. Up the quality time spent laughing and connecting. A lot of times, in the daily busyness of life, parenting can become somewhat automatic. We get through all the daily duties and we're there but not present. And during particularly frustrating seasons of life, we may spend more time correcting or admonishing than enjoying one another's company. These things take a toll on attachment, and some repair work may be needed. Start speaking lots of positive statements to her as well. Tell her what she's doing well and how much you adore her more often than usual.
5. Keep a finger on the pulse of your child’s stress. If certain people, situations, classes, or activities are causing stress to spike, you may need to step in and discuss solutions. The pandemic has been a source of stress for children, and we are seeing an uptick in anxiety and emotional distress as a result. Be supportive, nurturing, and proactive in helping your child reduce stress so they can heal.