It’s not an uncommon scenario – your kid wants one thing and you want another, so you get caught up in another power struggle, each of you arguing back and forth trying to be heard and respected. This can become an ugly cycle that zaps the joy and peace right out of a home. Break the cycle by trying one of these three strategies the next time you and your kid go toe to toe.
- Empathize. When we are faced with a complaining or insolent child, our first reaction is often to posture ourselves for a fight. It’s a natural reaction when we feel threatened, so one of the things we practice in Positive Parenting is softening and responding. Children won’t hear us until they feel heard themselves, so when we try to shut down their feelings or their voices, they naturally push back, and we find ourselves locked in a power struggle that no one really wins. However, by meeting our child with empathy, we can reset the tone of the interaction. It may be something as simple as, “I hear you” or “I understand.” When spoken genuinely, empathy is a powerful diffuser of power struggles because it communicates “I understand you and I’m on your side.”
Try phrases like these:
“I know homework is frustrating. I hear you.”
“I don’t love folding and putting away laundry either. I understand.”
“Middle school is tough sometimes. I remember.”
“I know how it feels to be disappointed. I get it.”
- Offer a reasonable choice or alternative. Kids hear no an awful lot, and many of them are necessary. However, it is very frustrating to be told no all the time and to have so little control over your own life. As adults, we’ve come to take for granted our freedom to eat what we choose, dress how we like, color our hair, and drive ourselves wherever we want to go, but take a moment during your next power struggle to remember what it was like to be a kid. Is there an alternative you could offer that makes you both happy? Sometimes I think we are afraid that offering choices and negotiating are signs of weak parenting and we are afraid these actions compromise our authority, but I believe it shows kids that we respect them as individuals, and this inspires them to respect us more.
For example, let’s say your teen was invited to a party. You are not comfortable with the scenario and decide not to let her go. She’s furious because “everybody else is going!” You could put your foot down
hard and say “I said so!” and leave it at that, or you could offer an alternative. Permissiveness is giving in and allowing her to go to a party that you feel she shouldn’t attend, but it is reasonable to say, “I know you are disappointed that you can’t go to this party. Why don’t you call another friend and see if there is a movie playing you’d like to watch? I’ll be happy to drive you to the theater” or “Hey, I know you’re upset with me right now and that’s okay, but if you’re up to it in a bit, why don’t we go out to the mall?”
- Disengage without disconnecting. When disengaging from a power struggle, we are effectively ending the conversation with a “that’s final.” However, there are two ways to do this, one that disconnects and one that invites connection. As you might imagine, “Because I said so and that’s final! One more word about it and you’re grounded!” might be effective at ending the power struggle (or it might not!) but it leaves the relationship with your child on shaky ground. We can stick to our guns and say the same thing but in a way that isn’t so harsh. Instead, try saying “I love you too much to argue with you, so let’s not discuss this any further. If you need to take some time to cool off, you can. When you are ready, I’d love for you to come and find me.” This communicates I’m not willing to change my position but I still love you and I want you around, and those last two messages are vital to a strong connection and to a child’s self-worth.