Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in another’s shoes – to understand what they are feeling, what’s driving them, and how they are experiencing the world around them. Empathy is important in parenting because it affects the way we relate to and build attachment with our children. It is one of the five principles of positive parenting.  As we seek to understand our children’s feelings and experiences, we draw closer to them. In turn, they are more secure, cooperative, and connected.

Being attuned to our children and having the ability to see from their perspective helps us to respond more appropriately and to parent better. The secure attachment that empathy helps us to build is critical for the child’s development and mental/emotional well-being. Here are three ways to increase empathy and create a deeper relationship with your child.

1. Pay attention to the stories you believe about yourself and your child. Ask yourself these questions: What’s going on in me? What’s going on in my child?

The stories we believe about ourselves and each other are powerful. The narratives that we pay attention to always influence how we behave and how we expect others to behave. These are also called your core beliefs. For example, if you believe that your child is trying to manipulate you with his behavior, you will react in accordance to that belief. Many parents do believe that behavior is manipulative – that children are just trying to “get their way” or “get attention.” It’s a common narrative about children, and buying into it means that we are more likely to react with defensiveness and anger. If you believe that you “just aren’t very patient or tolerant,” you’ll be less likely to work toward greater patience and tolerance because of your fixed mindset.

Become curious about your beliefs and where they came from. Be gentle with yourself and with your child as you work through those core beliefs and mindsets that affect your day to day interactions. Likewise, get curious about what is causing your child’s behavior. What is she experiencing? What may she be thinking or feeling? What is her behavior communicating? When you start to ask these questions, you’ll find that you automatically respond with more empathy because you aren’t relying on old reactions and patterns any longer. As you become more aware of your child’s emotional state and the feelings and thoughts that are motivating her behavior, you’ll also become aware of new ways to guide her.

2. Improve your listening skills. It makes sense that, if we want to understand our children better, we must be able to listen well. It sounds simple enough, but there’s a lot getting in the way. How often to do you give your undivided attention to your child, listening without interrupting to offer quick advice to make a judgment? Do you pay attention to tone of voice and body language? Active listening is when you fully pay attention to all parts of communication, including nonverbal cues and tone. To improve your listening skills:

  • Focus on the speaker and don’t interrupt or make assumptions.
  • Pay attention to the details.
  • Summarize what you heard back to the speaker.
  • As questions to clarify points. “What do you mean by…” or “It sounds like you are saying…”
  • Show interest and acknowledgement with eye contact, smiles, head nods, and simple phrases like “go on” or “I’m listening.”
  • Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal. Really listen to understand.
  • Pay attention to body language.
  • Assert your opinions respectfully if you are giving an opinion. Sometimes your child will want your advice or opinion, and sometimes he’ll just want to be heard. Reading cues will help you determine what he needs.

3. Work on remaining calm and non-reactive. It’s impossible to be empathetic to your child if your blood is boiling. Learn what your triggers are and how to disarm them so they no longer control your reactions. When you are disciplined, you are able to show up and be the parent your child needs – calm, centered, logical, and safe. What causes you to have big emotions and reactions? Now close your eyes and allow your mind to wander back to your childhood. Think of the times when you behaved in a way similar to what your child is doing that triggers you. How were you treated? What messages did you receive from your parents about this behavior? How did it make you feel? Is that the same feeling that rises in you now when your child behaves that way? See if you can pinpoint the origin of your big emotions around the trigger. By bringing awareness to this, you can begin to understand why your brain is coded to do what it has been doing and be empowered to change the narrative that runs through your mind when you’re triggered so that you can respond rather than react to your child.